Whose fault is it, really?
Maybe because it's the end of the calendar year and we're stressed about tangibly progressing; maybe it's simply because the fall events have been stacking up recently... but I've been hearing a lot of frustration from friends and students (and random people online) regarding their competition draws.
"I just didn't like any of my partners, really."
"My first draw was good, my second one was terrible though. I hope the judges weren't looking at me for that one."
"My finals partner was awful and I just hope people don't think I'm a bad dancer after watching that. That wasn't my fault!"
Then there's my friend who tells me that their (romantic) partner seems to get frustrated dancing with them when they can't do everything that they want to happen in the dance/make it their ideal.
There's the instructor who blames having "all bad draws in prelims" when she doesn't make finals.
And so on, and so forth.
I'm not going to make the argument that you should be a good competitor or a good human, etc. and have respect for the person on the other end of your arm. This should ('should') be enough, but I know that this very logical and empathetic standpoint won't change the knee-jerk response coming from fear and insecurity. It's hard to override that! And very understandably so.
I had an awful relationship with competing, and how I saw my partners, for the longest time. Some people who compete at a very high level still have very unhealthy attitudes around it--it's even easier to fall victim to being entitled if you've encountered almost nothing but success, and feel that reality has a You Bias. But I promise you, everything will be much better if you can let some of this shit go.
Here are the carrots:
1. you'll be a better dancer.
If you can let go of feeling entitled to a certain partner/type of partner, and feeling like you need your preferences fulfilled, you WILL dance better in competitions.
2. You won't get stuck in your head worrying about scenarios that didn't happen.
After the competition, you won't be running through the what-ifs in your head for months, how amazing would things have been if I got the one partner I truly deserved and we won and.... (yes, I've been here. More than once. It wasn't good.)
This does extend to social dancing as well, and being able to enjoy your three minutes with someone who doesn't entirely match up with your Ideal Partner Archetype.
3. People will like you better.
This sounds a bit silly, but I promise, most individuals can pick up on good energy/positive vibes. People absolutely love dancing with partners who are just happy to be there and are having the best time of it. It's infectious. And it's fun for you to at least try to be one of those people! Jakub Jakoubek, Courtney Adair, John Piper, Sarah Vann Drake -- they just light up the room.
4. Not coming at things with a perspective of entitlement will make you happier.
...In both the short and the long term. If you hear that you're rotating 7 and you see the person you thought you could dance really well with pass you by on the 6th draw, you will have a much better dance with that 7th person if you aren't worrying about why oh why couldn't we stop on 6? And this carries over to the running through scenarios later: "I would've made finals if I had a good dance instead of a bad dance on my third song and I needed that partner #6 to make it happen...." If this doesn't enter your head you'll be happier with that 7th partner, and also you won't be carrying around that bitterness of why-couldn't-it-be-6 for the rest of the weekend (or longer).
Here's a solution.
I had a conversation recently where a (follower) friend of mine said "I operate under the assumption that I'm right. My decisions and choices I make are the right ones" (not her leader's, if they differ). I don't think that this mindset is entirely counterproductive; a lot of people need to use it at least temporarily in order to be assertive and actually follow through with their ideas. Leaders struggle with this too, by the way: try too hard to be open and listen, and you might not end up leading too clearly.
Here's the reframing, though. I realized that I thought about things a bit differently. I operate under the assumption that I'm right *for me*.
This means taking full responsibility for your own dance and side of the interaction, which is a powerful place to be.
This also means that regardless of what your partner does, you still have your own back. You don't need them to play with a certain script, or operate using a certain system, or do the right things for you, for your dance to benefit.
Similar to lots of other types of relationships, it's extremely beneficial for both parties if you're a partner who is also a whole individual unto yourself. If your dance can only work in conjunction with a certain ideal, this isn't a particularly good position to be in. You're acknowledging as a fundamental fact that you're going to fall apart and not do your best if you aren't given a certain partner. Which might make you desperate to get this partner. And... this will lead to you being bitter and resenting people who aren't that partner.
They don't owe me anything + I've got myself can be a very freeing mindset. You can enjoy people and meet them where they're at, without putting your mental and emotional pressure on them to be a certain way.
Finally, the 'I've got myself' concept combines with the idea of agency and consent. It's hard to trust someone else if that involves not trusting yourself. It's difficult to truly team up with someone if you have to choose between them being right and you being right. But if you're making these decisions for yourself, it's a lot easier to play along and interact with people knowing that your body, and your dance are still your own.
*****
It goes without saying, but it's even more relevant after this blog: love your dance, and be good to each other.
arisdemarco@gmail.com
or reach out on social media for lessons or video critiques :)
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